The Real Thing.

What does love mean in our society today? Affection, emotion, family, feelings, romance, relationships, sex, friendship, brotherhood; these are all words associated with love. Love songs, chick flicks, and romance novels are always trying to tack on another meaning, make it more appealing to the general public (like it really needs any extra zest, yeesh). If you look it up on Wikipedia or dictionary.com you'll get a variety of explanations.

If you google it, you get "The Love Calculator," where you type in your name and someone else's and receive a 'prophecy' about the likelihood of your future together being a good or bad one. You go looking for pictures of 'love' online and you get all sorts of hearts and couples of every sexual orientation kissing, people standing together on beaches, babies swaddled in commercialized blankets, anything sexual that can be romantically bent, and of course, wedding paraphernalia.

The problem is with all these versions of 'love' is that they all fall short and eventually disappoint. They're temporary, they're flawed, they're substitutions, they're selfish. They are all reliant on human power, which always comes to an end.

The Bible's definition of love differs from society's pop culture debauchery of the word. Romans 8 says that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. First Corinthians 13 says that love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Ephesians 3 says that the love of Yeshue is so great you will never fully understand it. II Corinthians 9 calls it an indescribable gift.

I don't know about you, dear reader, but none of those sound at all close to the world's definition to me. Those are not speaking of any love that is tied to image and worth and selfish desires. 

The greatest lie we are led to believe is that we can find real Love outside of Yeshua.

His love isn't human. It's unfathomable. It's everything.

Even the apostle Paul, who was well educated and eloquent, could not articulate the idea of God's love. He calls it indescribable, beyond words. 

The thing people have trouble understanding about this Love, the reason it is so inexpressible and beyond human terminology, is that it is unselfish. It is undeserved. God loves us for no reason at all.

Love is a gift. We couldn't be separated from God's Love is we tried, and honestly, most of us have. First John 4 tells us that God is Love. It is His very nature and He could never stop being who He is.

Love is a gift that we as humans so often forget to give. So share a little, be a little, live a little. Life is nothing without Love, and we are nothing without life. And God IS Love. So believe, all ye of little faith. Believe that you are loved, and show love to those who are alone.

Save a tree, eat a beaver.

I know, I know, I know. I should get over it and just acknowledge that life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it at this stage in my life. Well you know what? I don't care.

This.

Is.

Ridiculous.

Thor got run over by a car on Monday; he didn't make it. My granddad is dying. My mother thinks I'm a slut and my father is long gone. I have cancer. My love life is so convoluted, it's disgusting. And I'm getting fat- that's what you get for stress eating and ignoring the biological need to sleep. My work schedule is insane, and my educational side is losing this war. And my sketchbook got urinated on. Plus some other stuff that I'd rather not go into.

And damnit, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.

Alright. I'm done semi-ranting. I just hurt, and I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of being alone. And now I really am alone.

I'll write again soon. I'm tired and I can't think of anything else to say.

*Face of Awe*

Last week, I woke up just as the sun was coming up. With my eyes still closed, I stretched, felt no pain, the soft warmth of my blanket and the little ball of fuzzy Thor heat at my side. Still with my eyes closed I smiled and curled around my puppy. He licked the tip of my nose, and I scrunched my face. He snuggled in and I turned my face towards the light I could feel coming through the window.

I smiled a little, opened my eyes, and screamed.

That's life for you; never quite what you expect.

My friend Aria was hovering about 6 inches over my face. I haven't seen her in- oooooh, about 3 years. I didn't know she was coming to town. Apparently, she arrived sometime in the middle of the night and somehow coerced my roommate into letting her in, and then into my bedroom where she could stalk my sleep.

She's such a creep. God, I love her. <3

It's about 1:15ish, and I'm tired. I have so much to do, but I'm so very very tired. In general, not just now.
I'm trying really hard to hold it together and joke about everything, but it's a strain. Everything's coming hot and heavy now, and I've only got so much oomph in me, and it's quickly being unsourced. I just need help. With everything. I just can't do it alone anymore- I'm way beyond my pride keeping me from admitting it. I need help.

please, God. help me. please.

I'm a little overwhelmed with everything, just trying to get by. To survive.

I'm glad Aria's here right now. I'm really glad I have Thor Chewbacca II. I'm really glad I have my friends. I'm really glad I have my God. I would be lost without them. <3

Thank you. For being there when you could, thank you.

I would just like to say-...

...-I feel AWESOME!!!

The End! ^__^

~Me!

take this pen and remember to turn on your windshield wipers.

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life. I guess it's kind of still going- I haven't slept. Usually, I try to write about how I'm feeling concerning something in my life, but right now.. I just don't know. I feel numb.

I'm so very thankful for that numbness.

Every time I probe beneath that preserving layer of non-feeling, I feel my mind slowly start to crack. It's an interesting state I'm in right now.. I feel so much from everybody else; all their pain and hate and worries and stress and all that other crap. But when I turn my attention to myself, I feel nothing. This dark, empty void.

Maybe not empty, though. Just not accessed. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much, and yet so little. But apparently it is.

I am under no illusion that this blessed numbness will last, though. Sooner or later, it'll really crack, and I don't what I'm going to do when that happens. I don't feel anything right now, but I have this sense of a roiling, violently heaving mass of dark thoughts, feelings, and memories just waiting to spill out of that fissure of numbness.

I don't want to remember. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I let myself feel. Afraid of what I'll do- or not do. Will I even remember how to breathe?

Several people have commented on my nonchalance attitude where the horrors of life are concerned. Well let me tell you, my nonchalance attitude is a lie that I layer over myself so that no one sees the truth.. And the truth is-.. well, the truth is that I'm terrified. And shattered. I don't feel like a person anymore, I don't feel like me anymore. I don't know what I feel like, but it isn't those things. Maybe in a few days I'll feel like me again, but not now. Not after yesterday. Not after him. Not after all of that.

After all of that, I feel nothing, because there is too much to grab hold of.

So I, like a crazy person, sit and stare at this wall. At this door. At this pillow. And I just stare, because there is too much of nothing. And I hope to God that I won't lose everything when all of this overwhelming nothing becomes overwhelming something.

Please, God. 

                               Guide me. 

  I don't remember the way to myself.

please.      

Free Shakespeare!! (limit two Shakespeare per customer.)

Every time I read or write Shakespeare, I think of Stardust. "Shake Spear". <3~@

Last week I almost died. Again. V_V (I should really work on that..>_>)
Also, I feel it's fair to warn you... I'm going to be jumping around a lot. There's a lot in my mind.

Anyway.. maybe it'd be best to go to the beginning. Sometime last month, I got to catch up with my best friend, Mispelling Mistress. Right now, she's very far away and it makes everything just a little bit harder. She's pretty much more my family than any of my own. I know that if I asked her, she'd be here. If I said I needed her, she'd be here. And I do need her, but I won't ever ask her. She has her own life, and she needs to live it. We'll meet up when we're supposed to, but now's not that time. She keeps dropping not so subtle hints, fishing for me to ask her so she has an excuse to drop stuff up there and come here to play Hero. And also 'cause she says she loves me. Which is really convenient, actually, 'cause I sort of love her too. =)

So we caught up and talked about so many things. In all honesty, I can't remember everything but if someone asked me about a specific thing I could probably answer it. We made a bucket list- kind of, things the two of us and a select few other people, but mostly the two of us, need to do together before January 1, 2012 (or as she said, 'The end of the world'). It is as follows:

~. night out on the town

!. Formal Bowling

@. Kiss in the Rain

#. Go on a date with a cute stranger

$. See a movie at the drive in( must have fun.)

%. watch "the grand affair" while sipping red wine, eating 
dark chocolate and strawberries.

^. go ice skating in faerie princess costumes.


&. go on an idilic picnic complete with kite making and flying.


*. play Cowgirls and Indians.


(. get shitfaced.


). go camping.


-. baby frikkin motorcycle penguins.

Pretty sure we're going to have to add in several more things now that all that shitty shit has hit the fan, but it's a good start, if I do say so myself. ^_^

I sort of wish you guys could have been there for the conversation. It's not really something I can retell and still have it contain all of the epicness that it most certainly did, but yeeesssss...We had our bucketlist conversation, and the next thing Mispelling Mistress knows is that I've fallen from the stupid stairs and I'm not waking up. Due to those events, it became even more imparative that we fulfill this list.

So the fall happened, and then the next week when I was in KC to see a specialist, I was attacked by some crazy freaked out possessed stanger dude. He just whaled on me. It was bad. It was traumatizing. It was something I'm not allowed to go into detail with. Maybe later. Anyway, I had tons of damage from that (like the fall wasn't enough). Internal bleeding and the loss of sight out of one eye(hopefully temp), and all that yummy cheese. I was in the hospital for a sizable amount of time. Let me just say... it sucked. x_x

I got transfered back home, got out two days later. I was doing alright (probably overdoing it, though.. >_>) and then I started coughing up blood. This I blew off for a couple days. No biggie, right? Just a little blood coming up whenever I breathed. -__-

And then I started coughing up more and more blood. And my sight, which had been slowly coming back, just blacked in my left eye and the right eye started flickering. and I passed out. I'd hit my head the day before, and had started very slowly bleeding inside the skull again. So I went back into the hospital.

There was all this icky talk about maybe having to drill through my head to relieve some of the pressure, and different drugs, and some other stuff. Normally, they go with blood thinners for stuff like this, but because I was doing chemo, it wasn't really a safe option. So they tried this other, and thank God it worked. <3 So I was in there for awhile after that, making sure I wouldn't die, etc.. and now I'm out. And I'm on paid leave. Yay!!

Oh- romantic update. Water Boy and Super Christmas Make-out Girl are sort of together now. Waterboy is not enthusiastic about this. I secretly snicker inside and hope he's very unhappy and realizes what a freaking idiot he is.

He and I have been talking the last couple days (not like that. Yeesh.) and it's been nice. Kind of a flashback to the days when we were just friends. Of course, I still love the hell out of that stupid boy, and I always, always will, but I also want him in my life in whatever way I can get him. So if being his friend means I have to pretend that I'm somewhat okay with him being with someone else, and bite back my whole possessive love, then by God I will do it if it kills me (which it just might). Because living without him in my life is the greater of those two evils.

Also, not on a romantic note, I connected with this guy while I was in the hospital, Mr. CBC. He's actually really great. He's around my age, and he's really hot for God which, let's face it, is pretty rare these days. We've talked a lot the past couple weeks and gotten to know each other pretty well. It's really, really nice to have a friend who's as out there for God as I am and not have that relationship pressure. Plus he wants to castrate Waterboy, which is yet another mark in his favor. XD 


Jeeze. My life is impossible.  Anyway, Mr. CBC is pretty darn cool, and Water Boy is pretty darn stoopid. And I am pretty darn tired.


I promise to write again soon. =) 

Today I love wood smoke.

There was a young man from Verdun...

When we're children and we look towards the rest of our life, it seems like such a long time. Forever. 

..It's not.

I think we all discover this life truth in our own way. Mine was when the doctors told me that I had a 90% probability of dying within the next 5 years. Yeah, there were other factors thrown in that made that realization hammer home for me at this young an age; I've lost a lot of people, I've carried heavy burdens, I've known pain beyond words, and so much more. But when the doctors told me that, it made me look back and acknowledge how fast all of that went by, and when I looked forward... Five years? Less? That's nothing. I'm so young. I will BE so young. And yet I face death..

I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that I am not over after I leave this world- I have a place in God's House. I will see all those I love again. 

...So far, it doesn't help much. =/

When I look back at my short life, I see that I've already lived a lifetime of bad feelings in a small span. I've decided that I'm going to try to live a lifetime of good feelings in the time I have left. That doesn't mean that I won't feel bad a lot, that I won't fear, that I won't grieve.. It just means that I'm going to keep doing my best to see more than that, because lately that's gotten really hard.

So, I don't know if anybody could follow that, but it's late and I'm tired. So poo on you. =P

You know what I love about this world?

Dandelions. Pretty spots of color and puff in otherwise dull stretches of green. I don't get to see her much anymore, but when my little sister was really little, she would walk around the backyard or field or wherever we happened to be at the time and she'd pick up all the little weed flowers she'd find. The whole time she was pinching those fragile stems, she'd be talking to herself, a little bit of baby talk and a little bit of nonsense talk and a whole lot of pretty princess talk. 

I love that last bite of ice cream cone, when it's all cold and soft and a little crunchy, and it just fills your mouth with all those yummy calories. Best nibble in the whole thing.

That moment when the sun is rising and the rays hit everything at that golden angle.. the magic hour. It makes me breathless and full of wonder and bursting with love for God.

That one pair of socks that fits you just right. Mine aren't really a pair; one's striped and one has polk-a-dots.  They make me happy. 

That person in your life who's so very like a Sunpotato. They make everything just a little bit more amazing.

I'll tell you more thing next time. Right now, I'm too full of thoughts about people and life to say anything else really constructive. I keep going over and over and over the Love that I let go. I did it for him, but... it hurts, and I miss him. I'm trying very hard to remember through this pain that it was the right thing to do.

I remember you, do you remember me? I'm running through this land of darkness, screaming for relief..

I like pie.

So life kind of sucks right now.. I don't want to talk about it. Maybe next time. I'm sitting in the living room savoring the last few minutes before the hellions wake up and it's kind of fantastic. Water Boy's asleep in the next room with the knife drawer on his nightstand (long story involving an adorable and homicidal two year old) and if I crane my neck a little, I can see him. It makes my heart kind of flutter. =3

Anyway, I'm sitting here trying to find money for college because I'm broke. Really really broke, and I want to go back to school. And I can't find that many scholarships vying for someone who's taken a year off of school for various reasons... And everyone's getting all excited about stuff and shoving it in my face and it's not working out and then they get all disappointed and worried about me and.. -jeeze, like they weren't worried enough already. The fall, and the attack by the crazy man in KC who beat me good, and the baby stabs, and the cancer, and everything else... and stupid-people-with-their-stupid-excitedness-and-disappointedness-and-worriness-and-all-that-crapful-crap.. >_<


But hey. Apparently the CIA gives a scholarship. SECRET AGENT ELLEANAAAAAAAA!

Seeing Twilight tonight with Jamie (only one but me I shall ever name by name XD) and his specially lady, She Who Screams Like Banshee- for short, we'll call her Screamer-[or maybe not Screamer...I'm horrible when it comes to keeping up with plans that involve multiple people.] Because nothing gives me more pleasure that making fun of the pathetic little twihards. AWH LOOK! They're so cute and poorly informed about what a functional relationship looks like. Or acting. Or what a mildly acceptable screenplay would look like, had this not been 2010, and the world is just going to hell.

Does it amaze any one else how incredibly stupid people are? Not even people that you know will be inevitably stupid, like high school sophomores and middle school drop outs. I'm talking about people that you would assume have a shred of intelligence, like the kind of people who report for BBC or CNN. And then you see Israel being condemned for violating human rights.

Can someone tell me the last time that the PLO or HAMAS was condemned for violating a people's human right to exist?

Or maybe I'm just a little angry that the world has a ridiculous double standard when it comes to Israel. Perhaps because I, the little adorable idealist, believe that the world would be made of sunshine and daisies if we'd all just link arms and sing Kumba Ya.

Yeah. Time to wake up, Planet Earth. Iran is not singing Kumba Ya. Iran is singing The Wicked Jews Are Dead From A Massive Nuclear Blast. 



Wow. I'm going to stop now.

You may say she's beautiful, but all she sees are scars.

that's me, in the corner. that's me, losing my mind. trying to keep up with you.

I haven't posted in awhile because my life is INSANE, and not in a good way. A week ago yesterday, I passed out for the first time inmylife and fell off the fucking stairs. The distance of the fall is debatable- if you're going from the landing itself, that's 8 1/2 feet up, if you're going from my head add 5'2". Hit the sidewalk- couldn't even manage to go for the grass. Oy. Broke my head and cracked my mind, stuck in a freaking forest for what felt like eternity. 


People wonder what it's like to die, or be in a coma. What do those people see, what are they aware of, are they aware at all or are they just in darkness, unaware of anything or anyone? Well, I can tell you- or at least, I can tell you what it was like for me. I was in a coma for about 9 hours. I know, I know. We say a coma, and your mind assumes it's at least a couple days, but actually, they classify it as a coma when the person who's out won't respond to voices or other such stimuli; the brain is in it's lowest functioning state, I guess you could say. 


Anyway, I was out for 9, 10 hours, and I was aware. Not of what was going on outside my body, but rather what was going on in my mind. I was stuck in a forest (I know- what is it with me and forests? Jeeze). At first it was nice, all damp earth smelling and soft, green light filtered through the canopy, twittering birds and scuffles in the undergrowth. Deserted but for the flora and fauna that make forests what they are, not another soul in sight or sound or mind. Wandered around for awhile, basked in the warm glow, explored the damp shadows. At first, it was a relief- from what,
I wasn't quite sure. No worries, no concerns. Just me in a forest, my forest. I wasn't conscious of the cancer or work or family or anything like that- it was like I wasn't aware of their existence, and thus couldn't worry or stress about them. The light seemed to heal, soothing the wounds that were there, the wounds I didn't remember being inflicted. I didn't wonder about them, or about me, didn't even know my name, or what I was, really. Didn't care. 


And at first, being there was soothing. But even in the beginning, something wasn't right.. After awhile, the bitter bile of panic slowly rose in the back of my throat, the light seemed too bright, too harsh. The ground, a moment before spongy and earthy smelling, seemed to sickly slide beneath my feet and the air reeked of rotting vegetation. I wasn't aimlessly wandering anymore- I was running. Away from what exactly, I didn't know. But running, running for the way out of that place. And the longer I was there, the worse it got.


The light started to burn, like acid hitting my skin. If I were to reach out and touch a tree for balance, the bark scraped away my skin, cutting and shredding it like shards of glass. The stench in the air getting ever stronger, a sickly sweet smell that made my head dizzy and made me all the more disoriented. I started to panic in earnest, fear overriding everything else, driving me to keep going, to get up when I fell and the ground sucked me in. The instinctive knowledge that I had to get out or I would be trapped there pushing me past exhaustion. I have never known such blinding fear before, and I pray that I never will again. And then in one direction, the light became suddenly softer, the ground more solid, the trees friendlier. I went towards it. I was running now, sobbing, breath tearing harshly from my lungs. The trees got further apart the farther I went, older the more I ran. And then suddenly there was the line- the break in the trees. I dashed out, fell over a root, stumbled up and staggered into the middle of this giant clearing in the middle of the forest. There was one tree, massive, the heart of it all in the middle. My eyes whipped around the clearing, the light flashed white bright-- 

...and I woke up. 

Machines were beeping about me, and I was cold. Oh, so cold. And slowly, I became aware of a sensation- pain. Lots and lots of pain. And then everybody was around me, a nurse shining light in my eyes and soon after the doctor asking me inane question after stupid question after inane question.


..and that's only 9 or 10 hours. -_-


I'll get to the rest in my next post. Maybe. Right now, meds are kicking in and I'm fading fast.

A tout a l'heure!

Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

puking rainbows.

That's the image I get when I think of this last day. Well, technically the last two and a half days.. but considering that I haven't slept they're just kind of blurred together. But seriously, puking rainbows. Everything was great yesterday morning, I was pretty much as close to deliriously happy as I've been since the Christmas Fiasco (I don't even celebrate Christmas. Is that why that day always sucks? It's like some screwy evil mutant Santa midget elves take sadistic pleasure in their twisted methods of taking revenge on my already screwed up life because I refuse to take part in the commercialized madness that goes on every year so that big, corrupt, greedy, money-grubbing executives can get yet another dollar in their already over sized, overstuffed, over everything pockets..yeah. I'm not bitter.). 

Anyway.. everything was great. I glowed. He stayed the night, platonically, night before the night before tonight (understand? =P). We talked, caught up, laughed, joked around, bonded over late night confessions, reminisced on the Before, raided refrigerator for yummy foodstuffs, rinsed, and repeated. .. it was really great. And then we ended up crashing as we cuddled. As I said.. it was really great. And then the waking up, and the work going, and the falling apart happening, and the treatment enduring, and everything else-ing, and it wasn't remotely close to really great. And night before tonight (last night), I didn't sleep... because I came home after the emotional upheaval of the day and I went to my room, and I laid down on my bed fully clothed, too tired to even undress... and I smelled him. 

So I cried. And I didn't sleep. And I over thought and over felt and over analyzed and bleh... And that's the environment in which my last blog blurted forth from my mind. And then today. Oy.

The not sleeping, and the work going, and the self stabbing (story for another time), and the stitches for self stabbing (see previous parenthetical aside), and the work drama-ing, and the money drama-ing with Melman *yes... that IS a nickname. ;)*, and the ignoring still being done by Water Boy, and the hurting still being done by me, and the x-ray for wrist fracturing (yet another story for yet another time), and the stupid boy who I have yet to come up with a nickname for because I'm too damn tired all around, and the pestering by said stupid boy (just to give you an idea ---Him: I've come up with a list of exciting things we can do for the next thirty years. Me: That's cool. I brake for Unicorns. Him: Whaaa...? O_o Me: Oh. I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter.--- V_V)and the excesses of my family.. and I got home after everything- which I'm going to have to go into tonight or something after I sleep or coffee fuel or something- and I laid in the street. And the result of street laying will also go in that blog.. and I can't keep my thoughts straight. I keep getting random images from random things and random thoughts and random feelings, and-... it's randomly chaotic in my head.

But back to the point. puking rainbows. Like I said, and if I didn't I should have, that's the image I keep getting for the past couple days. You know, at first they're all misty and pretty and wow and stuff, and passerby's stop and stare and smile softly. And then all of the sudden, the colors start to tint that gross green, and then they start to lose their brilliance, and then they start to blur together on the edges, and then they start to bleed together, and they really start to get into it- moving around and moaning and groaning and getting feverish and sliding into and out of focus and merging and unmerging and then eventually they all end up melded together into that really icky brown color [and my goodness, now I'm thinking of Legally Blonde... what is wrong with me??!! o_o] and they start shuddering in earnest and dripping strings of weird bogie-like glittering saliva. And then all the sudden they start puking. Just hurling up all this crap.

And let me tell you; it's not pretty. Rainbow puke is almost as bad as Unicorn poop.

And yeah... that's my image. And realizing what I've just said and all the mini rants involved in this, and the disgusting detail I went into, and the fact that I have to work again in about three and a half hours...

I think it's time for me to sleep.

It's not you, it's me. I don't like you.

It funny, isn't it, the way life turns out. The roads we walk that we never even knew existed. The why's, how's, and wherefore's of us. The people we become and the things we do that we told ourselves we never would. The darkness that taints the thoughts we think, the cynic we end up being, the bitterness that replaces hope, the synonyms we turn into. 

I am a synonym. Just another person, just another woman. Just another face. Just another friend. Just another hurting. Just another seeking. Just another yearning. Just another someone.

Just another someone wanting. Just another someone asking. Just another someone giving. Just another someone dreaming. Just another someone screaming. Just another someone pleading. Just another someone.

And sometimes not a someone. A somehow. A somewhy. A somewhat. A something. A synonym. 

Just another. Another. Not one, not you, not I. Just another many. Just another knowing. 

Just another me.