take this pen and remember to turn on your windshield wipers.

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life. I guess it's kind of still going- I haven't slept. Usually, I try to write about how I'm feeling concerning something in my life, but right now.. I just don't know. I feel numb.

I'm so very thankful for that numbness.

Every time I probe beneath that preserving layer of non-feeling, I feel my mind slowly start to crack. It's an interesting state I'm in right now.. I feel so much from everybody else; all their pain and hate and worries and stress and all that other crap. But when I turn my attention to myself, I feel nothing. This dark, empty void.

Maybe not empty, though. Just not accessed. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much, and yet so little. But apparently it is.

I am under no illusion that this blessed numbness will last, though. Sooner or later, it'll really crack, and I don't what I'm going to do when that happens. I don't feel anything right now, but I have this sense of a roiling, violently heaving mass of dark thoughts, feelings, and memories just waiting to spill out of that fissure of numbness.

I don't want to remember. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I let myself feel. Afraid of what I'll do- or not do. Will I even remember how to breathe?

Several people have commented on my nonchalance attitude where the horrors of life are concerned. Well let me tell you, my nonchalance attitude is a lie that I layer over myself so that no one sees the truth.. And the truth is-.. well, the truth is that I'm terrified. And shattered. I don't feel like a person anymore, I don't feel like me anymore. I don't know what I feel like, but it isn't those things. Maybe in a few days I'll feel like me again, but not now. Not after yesterday. Not after him. Not after all of that.

After all of that, I feel nothing, because there is too much to grab hold of.

So I, like a crazy person, sit and stare at this wall. At this door. At this pillow. And I just stare, because there is too much of nothing. And I hope to God that I won't lose everything when all of this overwhelming nothing becomes overwhelming something.

Please, God. 

                               Guide me. 

  I don't remember the way to myself.

please.