People wonder what it's like to die, or be in a coma. What do those people see, what are they aware of, are they aware at all or are they just in darkness, unaware of anything or anyone? Well, I can tell you- or at least, I can tell you what it was like for me. I was in a coma for about 9 hours. I know, I know. We say a coma, and your mind assumes it's at least a couple days, but actually, they classify it as a coma when the person who's out won't respond to voices or other such stimuli; the brain is in it's lowest functioning state, I guess you could say.
Anyway, I was out for 9, 10 hours, and I was aware. Not of what was going on outside my body, but rather what was going on in my mind. I was stuck in a forest (I know- what is it with me and forests? Jeeze). At first it was nice, all damp earth smelling and soft, green light filtered through the canopy, twittering birds and scuffles in the undergrowth. Deserted but for the flora and fauna that make forests what they are, not another soul in sight or sound or mind. Wandered around for awhile, basked in the warm glow, explored the damp shadows. At first, it was a relief- from what,
I wasn't quite sure. No worries, no concerns. Just me in a forest, my forest. I wasn't conscious of the cancer or work or family or anything like that- it was like I wasn't aware of their existence, and thus couldn't worry or stress about them. The light seemed to heal, soothing the wounds that were there, the wounds I didn't remember being inflicted. I didn't wonder about them, or about me, didn't even know my name, or what I was, really. Didn't care.
And at first, being there was soothing. But even in the beginning, something wasn't right.. After awhile, the bitter bile of panic slowly rose in the back of my throat, the light seemed too bright, too harsh. The ground, a moment before spongy and earthy smelling, seemed to sickly slide beneath my feet and the air reeked of rotting vegetation. I wasn't aimlessly wandering anymore- I was running. Away from what exactly, I didn't know. But running, running for the way out of that place. And the longer I was there, the worse it got.
The light started to burn, like acid hitting my skin. If I were to reach out and touch a tree for balance, the bark scraped away my skin, cutting and shredding it like shards of glass. The stench in the air getting ever stronger, a sickly sweet smell that made my head dizzy and made me all the more disoriented. I started to panic in earnest, fear overriding everything else, driving me to keep going, to get up when I fell and the ground sucked me in. The instinctive knowledge that I had to get out or I would be trapped there pushing me past exhaustion. I have never known such blinding fear before, and I pray that I never will again. And then in one direction, the light became suddenly softer, the ground more solid, the trees friendlier. I went towards it. I was running now, sobbing, breath tearing harshly from my lungs. The trees got further apart the farther I went, older the more I ran. And then suddenly there was the line- the break in the trees. I dashed out, fell over a root, stumbled up and staggered into the middle of this giant clearing in the middle of the forest. There was one tree, massive, the heart of it all in the middle. My eyes whipped around the clearing, the light flashed white bright--
...and I woke up.
Machines were beeping about me, and I was cold. Oh, so cold. And slowly, I became aware of a sensation- pain. Lots and lots of pain. And then everybody was around me, a nurse shining light in my eyes and soon after the doctor asking me inane question after stupid question after inane question.
..and that's only 9 or 10 hours. -_-
I'll get to the rest in my next post. Maybe. Right now, meds are kicking in and I'm fading fast.
A tout a l'heure!
No comments:
Post a Comment