*Face of Awe*

Last week, I woke up just as the sun was coming up. With my eyes still closed, I stretched, felt no pain, the soft warmth of my blanket and the little ball of fuzzy Thor heat at my side. Still with my eyes closed I smiled and curled around my puppy. He licked the tip of my nose, and I scrunched my face. He snuggled in and I turned my face towards the light I could feel coming through the window.

I smiled a little, opened my eyes, and screamed.

That's life for you; never quite what you expect.

My friend Aria was hovering about 6 inches over my face. I haven't seen her in- oooooh, about 3 years. I didn't know she was coming to town. Apparently, she arrived sometime in the middle of the night and somehow coerced my roommate into letting her in, and then into my bedroom where she could stalk my sleep.

She's such a creep. God, I love her. <3

It's about 1:15ish, and I'm tired. I have so much to do, but I'm so very very tired. In general, not just now.
I'm trying really hard to hold it together and joke about everything, but it's a strain. Everything's coming hot and heavy now, and I've only got so much oomph in me, and it's quickly being unsourced. I just need help. With everything. I just can't do it alone anymore- I'm way beyond my pride keeping me from admitting it. I need help.

please, God. help me. please.

I'm a little overwhelmed with everything, just trying to get by. To survive.

I'm glad Aria's here right now. I'm really glad I have Thor Chewbacca II. I'm really glad I have my friends. I'm really glad I have my God. I would be lost without them. <3

Thank you. For being there when you could, thank you.

I would just like to say-...

...-I feel AWESOME!!!

The End! ^__^

~Me!

take this pen and remember to turn on your windshield wipers.

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life. I guess it's kind of still going- I haven't slept. Usually, I try to write about how I'm feeling concerning something in my life, but right now.. I just don't know. I feel numb.

I'm so very thankful for that numbness.

Every time I probe beneath that preserving layer of non-feeling, I feel my mind slowly start to crack. It's an interesting state I'm in right now.. I feel so much from everybody else; all their pain and hate and worries and stress and all that other crap. But when I turn my attention to myself, I feel nothing. This dark, empty void.

Maybe not empty, though. Just not accessed. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much, and yet so little. But apparently it is.

I am under no illusion that this blessed numbness will last, though. Sooner or later, it'll really crack, and I don't what I'm going to do when that happens. I don't feel anything right now, but I have this sense of a roiling, violently heaving mass of dark thoughts, feelings, and memories just waiting to spill out of that fissure of numbness.

I don't want to remember. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I let myself feel. Afraid of what I'll do- or not do. Will I even remember how to breathe?

Several people have commented on my nonchalance attitude where the horrors of life are concerned. Well let me tell you, my nonchalance attitude is a lie that I layer over myself so that no one sees the truth.. And the truth is-.. well, the truth is that I'm terrified. And shattered. I don't feel like a person anymore, I don't feel like me anymore. I don't know what I feel like, but it isn't those things. Maybe in a few days I'll feel like me again, but not now. Not after yesterday. Not after him. Not after all of that.

After all of that, I feel nothing, because there is too much to grab hold of.

So I, like a crazy person, sit and stare at this wall. At this door. At this pillow. And I just stare, because there is too much of nothing. And I hope to God that I won't lose everything when all of this overwhelming nothing becomes overwhelming something.

Please, God. 

                               Guide me. 

  I don't remember the way to myself.

please.