Rivers Bring Life to Tired Feet

Sometimes I find my mind wandering. Used to be that it'd wander to you, then it wandered to him, and now it wanders to nothing. Maybe nothing. I'm not even sure. It is nothing when all you can hear is your heartsong? Or is it just Jesus?

I don't know. My mind it tired. Tired from no sleep and doctors and prodding and chemo. Tired from pain and hurt and love.

The past few days have been intensely all-consuming. People were coming to Christ, and other people were dying, and kids were coming in screaming, and I dreamed of the world going black over and over and over again. At least I wasn't dreaming of the world going red. Lately, I've been remembering a bunch of stuff that I'd forgotten, things that I didn't necessarily want to remember. I guess that's what introspection does to you.

I have a service thing tonight that I'm teaching at, and then another in the morning. But all I really want to do is go to bed. I'm still technically supposed to be on bed rest. v___v I know, I know. I'm stupid. But my life refuses to go on hold. I'm tired, and the pain is at a ridiculous level. It's just kind of everywhere- and I mean everywhere. Even my tongue hurts. And my toes. And.. everything else. Let me tell ya, it's super hard not to get all pissy and depressed when you are in as much pain as I am.  Pretty sure I'm gonna def have to go back to bed rest. And soon. I hate it, but it's necessary, and my healing process is so slow to begin with that being up and around this much feels like it's basically torn me to shreds on the inside.  I'm so ready to be done with cancer.

IVIG, here I come.

Oh, btw. Got approved for hospital scholarship thingies. lol. =) I did a mental happy dance- too tired to do a physical one. ;) I gotta go. Doctor, then service.

Prayers for healing would be super duper great right now. <3 Thanks.

Peace out, Lovelies. <3

Two Words: Peace Waffle

Life is insane, but it's life, so whadaya expect?


I'm in the hospital again. v___v Seizures and shakes and stutters and it's officially taken me about 9 minutes to write what I have so far. My gosh, this sucks. I want to go home, and I don't want to sound like a retard anymore (because no matter what Sunpotato says, I sound like a freakin retard. But it's okay. It's okay as long as it isn't permanent) and I want this pain to stop. And I want this lonliness to stop. And I want your idiocy to stop. Yeah, that would be really nice.


You know what else would be awesome? If people would stop telling me that I'm dying. I know I am, I don't need to be reminded every five minutes. I know I'm not getting better. I know I keep getting worse. I know I'm BSing everyone I love about that. I know that the IV chemo we've been doing is a bust, and that the chances of the IVIG working are slim to none. But.. for some reason, I can't resign myself to what the doctors are saying. So, we'll try the IVIG. And we'll pray that I happen to be slim.


So.. wish me luck. Wish me lots of luck.

*untitled*

So once again, here I am. I don't know how long it's gonna take me to come to grips with the fact that I hate my life. And generally, I strongly dislike statements like that because they tend to be melodramatic.. but in this case, I really do.

I'm so freaking sick of the fighting, the lying, the screaming, the scheming. I'm sick of feeling hated and being alone. I'm just sick of all this pain, physical and otherwise.

And I'm tired. Oh, so tired. Of everything. Of everyone. Of the excuses people engineer to not be a decent human being. Of the sneers that are their common countenance. Of the heavy, oppressive air in this place. I'm tired.

And I'm done. So very done.

The Real Thing.

What does love mean in our society today? Affection, emotion, family, feelings, romance, relationships, sex, friendship, brotherhood; these are all words associated with love. Love songs, chick flicks, and romance novels are always trying to tack on another meaning, make it more appealing to the general public (like it really needs any extra zest, yeesh). If you look it up on Wikipedia or dictionary.com you'll get a variety of explanations.

If you google it, you get "The Love Calculator," where you type in your name and someone else's and receive a 'prophecy' about the likelihood of your future together being a good or bad one. You go looking for pictures of 'love' online and you get all sorts of hearts and couples of every sexual orientation kissing, people standing together on beaches, babies swaddled in commercialized blankets, anything sexual that can be romantically bent, and of course, wedding paraphernalia.

The problem is with all these versions of 'love' is that they all fall short and eventually disappoint. They're temporary, they're flawed, they're substitutions, they're selfish. They are all reliant on human power, which always comes to an end.

The Bible's definition of love differs from society's pop culture debauchery of the word. Romans 8 says that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. First Corinthians 13 says that love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Ephesians 3 says that the love of Yeshue is so great you will never fully understand it. II Corinthians 9 calls it an indescribable gift.

I don't know about you, dear reader, but none of those sound at all close to the world's definition to me. Those are not speaking of any love that is tied to image and worth and selfish desires. 

The greatest lie we are led to believe is that we can find real Love outside of Yeshua.

His love isn't human. It's unfathomable. It's everything.

Even the apostle Paul, who was well educated and eloquent, could not articulate the idea of God's love. He calls it indescribable, beyond words. 

The thing people have trouble understanding about this Love, the reason it is so inexpressible and beyond human terminology, is that it is unselfish. It is undeserved. God loves us for no reason at all.

Love is a gift. We couldn't be separated from God's Love is we tried, and honestly, most of us have. First John 4 tells us that God is Love. It is His very nature and He could never stop being who He is.

Love is a gift that we as humans so often forget to give. So share a little, be a little, live a little. Life is nothing without Love, and we are nothing without life. And God IS Love. So believe, all ye of little faith. Believe that you are loved, and show love to those who are alone.

Save a tree, eat a beaver.

I know, I know, I know. I should get over it and just acknowledge that life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it at this stage in my life. Well you know what? I don't care.

This.

Is.

Ridiculous.

Thor got run over by a car on Monday; he didn't make it. My granddad is dying. My mother thinks I'm a slut and my father is long gone. I have cancer. My love life is so convoluted, it's disgusting. And I'm getting fat- that's what you get for stress eating and ignoring the biological need to sleep. My work schedule is insane, and my educational side is losing this war. And my sketchbook got urinated on. Plus some other stuff that I'd rather not go into.

And damnit, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.

Alright. I'm done semi-ranting. I just hurt, and I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of being alone. And now I really am alone.

I'll write again soon. I'm tired and I can't think of anything else to say.

*Face of Awe*

Last week, I woke up just as the sun was coming up. With my eyes still closed, I stretched, felt no pain, the soft warmth of my blanket and the little ball of fuzzy Thor heat at my side. Still with my eyes closed I smiled and curled around my puppy. He licked the tip of my nose, and I scrunched my face. He snuggled in and I turned my face towards the light I could feel coming through the window.

I smiled a little, opened my eyes, and screamed.

That's life for you; never quite what you expect.

My friend Aria was hovering about 6 inches over my face. I haven't seen her in- oooooh, about 3 years. I didn't know she was coming to town. Apparently, she arrived sometime in the middle of the night and somehow coerced my roommate into letting her in, and then into my bedroom where she could stalk my sleep.

She's such a creep. God, I love her. <3

It's about 1:15ish, and I'm tired. I have so much to do, but I'm so very very tired. In general, not just now.
I'm trying really hard to hold it together and joke about everything, but it's a strain. Everything's coming hot and heavy now, and I've only got so much oomph in me, and it's quickly being unsourced. I just need help. With everything. I just can't do it alone anymore- I'm way beyond my pride keeping me from admitting it. I need help.

please, God. help me. please.

I'm a little overwhelmed with everything, just trying to get by. To survive.

I'm glad Aria's here right now. I'm really glad I have Thor Chewbacca II. I'm really glad I have my friends. I'm really glad I have my God. I would be lost without them. <3

Thank you. For being there when you could, thank you.

I would just like to say-...

...-I feel AWESOME!!!

The End! ^__^

~Me!