This last December, I spent two weeks in Florida with my best friend, her family, and her sweetheart. It was amazing. Really simple, but so amazing for me. It feels like I remember ever minute of it because I don't get the opportunity to be around that much love all that often. It almost seems like a dream. =/ I miss them. A lot.
Paint Lady had her baby in the wee hours of yesterday morning. It was a boy. He's incredibly beautiful. <3 I got to have a hand in bringing him into the world.. and that's just incredible. I'm happy. Really, really happy. I have another godchild, and the people I love are all experiencing insane joy in different ways. I'm happy for the first time in quite awhile- truly. I got approved for funding for treatment, I haven't had a seizure for the last 4(almost 5) days, my best friend had a baby, my other best friend is with the guy she's crazy about(coincidentally, he's crazy about her too), my other best friend is happily involved in ministry and in the process of defining a blossoming relationship with a really awesome guy. My sister's getting married, my siblings are doing well in school. I get back into PT in a few weeks. I feel closer to God than I've ever felt before. My dog is going to survive and be well. I got to see my late best friend's parents- oh, I've missed them so much. It's been almost 6 months since I've seen them. They're doing really, really well considering. Almost everyone I love is happy or content, or on their way to being happy. I'm happy.
So why do I want to weep?
Oh, I'm happy. But I ache. I know why, but I freely admit that I'm not going to acknowledge the why. Besides, you guys are smart. You can figure it out.. I'm happy. I really am. But I'm not okay.
I miss not being sick. I miss being okay. I miss not being alone. I miss...you. I never talk about that anymore. But I miss you. Life just isn't the same without you. It's been so long since I've seen your face, heard you laugh, felt you nudge me up to do something I'd never have done alone. Life used to be simple, or as simple as it's ever been for me. You were a big part of that. You, and your family. Damn it. I miss you, Becca. There's nobody like you. No one. There's no one who gets me like you, who I get like I got you. No one who can ever replace you, no one who can come close. I miss you. I never talk about it anymore.. I never even mention you anymore. But-...This past while has been so damn hard, so damn draining, so damn everything. I wish you were here. I wish you were here.. I wish you were here. I can get through the sick, and the boys, and the family. It's all hard, and it all hurts, and sometimes I don't want to. But I can.
I have a whole bunch of trouble getting through you not being here. I've lost a lot of people. You'd think that I'd be used to the ache.. but it never got better. I never stop missing you, never stop expecting you to call, or just walk through the door. You were my family, more than anyone I've ever known. You were my sister. And now you're gone, and so is all of that. You died, and a few months later I was diagnosed. You died, then Ian. It's funny, isn't it, how that was the beginning. You left, and everything went to hell. I'm not saying that you were what kept it all together, but you were the one person I'd have wanted through all of this. You left, then Ian, then Water Boy walked, then David died, then Max, then Moira, then everybody else, then Howler walked. And I was sick.
You know, your parents haven't deactivated your phone. Mal told me that they will when the plan expires in a couple months. But they haven't yet, and every now and then. when things are super bad, I call and listen to your voice mail thing, just to hear your voice. I know, it's maybe a little creepy.. but I don't really care.
I wish you were here to see this baby. He's so beautiful. They all are. You'd be completely in love.
If you were here, I'd tell you why I want to weep. Then you'd either smack me around, smack them around, or cry with me. Of course, if you were here, Ian would be here, too. And you guys would be married. You guys would have been so happy- I hope you're both happy now.
.....*sigh*
Okay, blog readers. Sorry about that. I considered erasing it, but I'm not going to. It's not like there are tons of people flocking to read my blog anyways. ;) Sometimes I get caught up, and I forget that anybody reads this. I've probably got several dozen unpublished posts, because occasionally it helps me to write out what I'm thinking/feeling.
Anyway. I have to go check on mom, dad, and baby. I'll catch you all later.
Peace out, Lovelies.
