Expectation: Everything sucks.
Reality: Not everything sucks.
Expectation: I'm dying.
Reality: I'm dying. But not everything sucks.
Expectation: Alone.
Reality: I'm dying. But not everything sucks. And I won't be alone.
Expectation: Besides Yeshua.
Reality: I'm dying. But not everything sucks. And I won't be alone, even if we don't count Yeshua in this tally.
I'm getting married next July. To Howler. Who'd have thunk it?
Sun Potato is tying the knot this October. Whoa.
Reality: A lot of things still suck, and I'm still a mess emotionally. But some things are okay. In fact, some things are wonderful. And that's the way life is.
Reality: Now add Yeshua back into the tally, and everything is going to be just fine.
14 August 2011
27 March 2011
Once upon a time, I actually slept.
This last December, I spent two weeks in Florida with my best friend, her family, and her sweetheart. It was amazing. Really simple, but so amazing for me. It feels like I remember ever minute of it because I don't get the opportunity to be around that much love all that often. It almost seems like a dream. =/ I miss them. A lot.
Paint Lady had her baby in the wee hours of yesterday morning. It was a boy. He's incredibly beautiful. <3 I got to have a hand in bringing him into the world.. and that's just incredible. I'm happy. Really, really happy. I have another godchild, and the people I love are all experiencing insane joy in different ways. I'm happy for the first time in quite awhile- truly. I got approved for funding for treatment, I haven't had a seizure for the last 4(almost 5) days, my best friend had a baby, my other best friend is with the guy she's crazy about(coincidentally, he's crazy about her too), my other best friend is happily involved in ministry and in the process of defining a blossoming relationship with a really awesome guy. My sister's getting married, my siblings are doing well in school. I get back into PT in a few weeks. I feel closer to God than I've ever felt before. My dog is going to survive and be well. I got to see my late best friend's parents- oh, I've missed them so much. It's been almost 6 months since I've seen them. They're doing really, really well considering. Almost everyone I love is happy or content, or on their way to being happy. I'm happy.
So why do I want to weep?
Oh, I'm happy. But I ache. I know why, but I freely admit that I'm not going to acknowledge the why. Besides, you guys are smart. You can figure it out.. I'm happy. I really am. But I'm not okay.
I miss not being sick. I miss being okay. I miss not being alone. I miss...you. I never talk about that anymore. But I miss you. Life just isn't the same without you. It's been so long since I've seen your face, heard you laugh, felt you nudge me up to do something I'd never have done alone. Life used to be simple, or as simple as it's ever been for me. You were a big part of that. You, and your family. Damn it. I miss you, Becca. There's nobody like you. No one. There's no one who gets me like you, who I get like I got you. No one who can ever replace you, no one who can come close. I miss you. I never talk about it anymore.. I never even mention you anymore. But-...This past while has been so damn hard, so damn draining, so damn everything. I wish you were here. I wish you were here.. I wish you were here. I can get through the sick, and the boys, and the family. It's all hard, and it all hurts, and sometimes I don't want to. But I can.
I have a whole bunch of trouble getting through you not being here. I've lost a lot of people. You'd think that I'd be used to the ache.. but it never got better. I never stop missing you, never stop expecting you to call, or just walk through the door. You were my family, more than anyone I've ever known. You were my sister. And now you're gone, and so is all of that. You died, and a few months later I was diagnosed. You died, then Ian. It's funny, isn't it, how that was the beginning. You left, and everything went to hell. I'm not saying that you were what kept it all together, but you were the one person I'd have wanted through all of this. You left, then Ian, then Water Boy walked, then David died, then Max, then Moira, then everybody else, then Howler walked. And I was sick.
You know, your parents haven't deactivated your phone. Mal told me that they will when the plan expires in a couple months. But they haven't yet, and every now and then. when things are super bad, I call and listen to your voice mail thing, just to hear your voice. I know, it's maybe a little creepy.. but I don't really care.
I wish you were here to see this baby. He's so beautiful. They all are. You'd be completely in love.
If you were here, I'd tell you why I want to weep. Then you'd either smack me around, smack them around, or cry with me. Of course, if you were here, Ian would be here, too. And you guys would be married. You guys would have been so happy- I hope you're both happy now.
.....*sigh*
Okay, blog readers. Sorry about that. I considered erasing it, but I'm not going to. It's not like there are tons of people flocking to read my blog anyways. ;) Sometimes I get caught up, and I forget that anybody reads this. I've probably got several dozen unpublished posts, because occasionally it helps me to write out what I'm thinking/feeling.
Anyway. I have to go check on mom, dad, and baby. I'll catch you all later.
Peace out, Lovelies.
Paint Lady had her baby in the wee hours of yesterday morning. It was a boy. He's incredibly beautiful. <3 I got to have a hand in bringing him into the world.. and that's just incredible. I'm happy. Really, really happy. I have another godchild, and the people I love are all experiencing insane joy in different ways. I'm happy for the first time in quite awhile- truly. I got approved for funding for treatment, I haven't had a seizure for the last 4(almost 5) days, my best friend had a baby, my other best friend is with the guy she's crazy about(coincidentally, he's crazy about her too), my other best friend is happily involved in ministry and in the process of defining a blossoming relationship with a really awesome guy. My sister's getting married, my siblings are doing well in school. I get back into PT in a few weeks. I feel closer to God than I've ever felt before. My dog is going to survive and be well. I got to see my late best friend's parents- oh, I've missed them so much. It's been almost 6 months since I've seen them. They're doing really, really well considering. Almost everyone I love is happy or content, or on their way to being happy. I'm happy.
So why do I want to weep?
Oh, I'm happy. But I ache. I know why, but I freely admit that I'm not going to acknowledge the why. Besides, you guys are smart. You can figure it out.. I'm happy. I really am. But I'm not okay.
I miss not being sick. I miss being okay. I miss not being alone. I miss...you. I never talk about that anymore. But I miss you. Life just isn't the same without you. It's been so long since I've seen your face, heard you laugh, felt you nudge me up to do something I'd never have done alone. Life used to be simple, or as simple as it's ever been for me. You were a big part of that. You, and your family. Damn it. I miss you, Becca. There's nobody like you. No one. There's no one who gets me like you, who I get like I got you. No one who can ever replace you, no one who can come close. I miss you. I never talk about it anymore.. I never even mention you anymore. But-...This past while has been so damn hard, so damn draining, so damn everything. I wish you were here. I wish you were here.. I wish you were here. I can get through the sick, and the boys, and the family. It's all hard, and it all hurts, and sometimes I don't want to. But I can.
I have a whole bunch of trouble getting through you not being here. I've lost a lot of people. You'd think that I'd be used to the ache.. but it never got better. I never stop missing you, never stop expecting you to call, or just walk through the door. You were my family, more than anyone I've ever known. You were my sister. And now you're gone, and so is all of that. You died, and a few months later I was diagnosed. You died, then Ian. It's funny, isn't it, how that was the beginning. You left, and everything went to hell. I'm not saying that you were what kept it all together, but you were the one person I'd have wanted through all of this. You left, then Ian, then Water Boy walked, then David died, then Max, then Moira, then everybody else, then Howler walked. And I was sick.
You know, your parents haven't deactivated your phone. Mal told me that they will when the plan expires in a couple months. But they haven't yet, and every now and then. when things are super bad, I call and listen to your voice mail thing, just to hear your voice. I know, it's maybe a little creepy.. but I don't really care.
I wish you were here to see this baby. He's so beautiful. They all are. You'd be completely in love.
If you were here, I'd tell you why I want to weep. Then you'd either smack me around, smack them around, or cry with me. Of course, if you were here, Ian would be here, too. And you guys would be married. You guys would have been so happy- I hope you're both happy now.
.....*sigh*
Okay, blog readers. Sorry about that. I considered erasing it, but I'm not going to. It's not like there are tons of people flocking to read my blog anyways. ;) Sometimes I get caught up, and I forget that anybody reads this. I've probably got several dozen unpublished posts, because occasionally it helps me to write out what I'm thinking/feeling.
Anyway. I have to go check on mom, dad, and baby. I'll catch you all later.
Peace out, Lovelies.
25 February 2011
Rivers Bring Life to Tired Feet
Sometimes I find my mind wandering. Used to be that it'd wander to you, then it wandered to him, and now it wanders to nothing. Maybe nothing. I'm not even sure. It is nothing when all you can hear is your heartsong? Or is it just Jesus?
I don't know. My mind it tired. Tired from no sleep and doctors and prodding and chemo. Tired from pain and hurt and love.
The past few days have been intensely all-consuming. People were coming to Christ, and other people were dying, and kids were coming in screaming, and I dreamed of the world going black over and over and over again. At least I wasn't dreaming of the world going red. Lately, I've been remembering a bunch of stuff that I'd forgotten, things that I didn't necessarily want to remember. I guess that's what introspection does to you.
I have a service thing tonight that I'm teaching at, and then another in the morning. But all I really want to do is go to bed. I'm still technically supposed to be on bed rest. v___v I know, I know. I'm stupid. But my life refuses to go on hold. I'm tired, and the pain is at a ridiculous level. It's just kind of everywhere- and I mean everywhere. Even my tongue hurts. And my toes. And.. everything else. Let me tell ya, it's super hard not to get all pissy and depressed when you are in as much pain as I am. Pretty sure I'm gonna def have to go back to bed rest. And soon. I hate it, but it's necessary, and my healing process is so slow to begin with that being up and around this much feels like it's basically torn me to shreds on the inside. I'm so ready to be done with cancer.
IVIG, here I come.
Oh, btw. Got approved for hospital scholarship thingies. lol. =) I did a mental happy dance- too tired to do a physical one. ;) I gotta go. Doctor, then service.
Prayers for healing would be super duper great right now. <3 Thanks.
Peace out, Lovelies. <3
I don't know. My mind it tired. Tired from no sleep and doctors and prodding and chemo. Tired from pain and hurt and love.
The past few days have been intensely all-consuming. People were coming to Christ, and other people were dying, and kids were coming in screaming, and I dreamed of the world going black over and over and over again. At least I wasn't dreaming of the world going red. Lately, I've been remembering a bunch of stuff that I'd forgotten, things that I didn't necessarily want to remember. I guess that's what introspection does to you.
I have a service thing tonight that I'm teaching at, and then another in the morning. But all I really want to do is go to bed. I'm still technically supposed to be on bed rest. v___v I know, I know. I'm stupid. But my life refuses to go on hold. I'm tired, and the pain is at a ridiculous level. It's just kind of everywhere- and I mean everywhere. Even my tongue hurts. And my toes. And.. everything else. Let me tell ya, it's super hard not to get all pissy and depressed when you are in as much pain as I am. Pretty sure I'm gonna def have to go back to bed rest. And soon. I hate it, but it's necessary, and my healing process is so slow to begin with that being up and around this much feels like it's basically torn me to shreds on the inside. I'm so ready to be done with cancer.
IVIG, here I come.
Oh, btw. Got approved for hospital scholarship thingies. lol. =) I did a mental happy dance- too tired to do a physical one. ;) I gotta go. Doctor, then service.
Prayers for healing would be super duper great right now. <3 Thanks.
Peace out, Lovelies. <3
19 January 2011
Two Words: Peace Waffle
Life is insane, but it's life, so whadaya expect?
I'm in the hospital again. v___v Seizures and shakes and stutters and it's officially taken me about 9 minutes to write what I have so far. My gosh, this sucks. I want to go home, and I don't want to sound like a retard anymore (because no matter what Sunpotato says, I sound like a freakin retard. But it's okay. It's okay as long as it isn't permanent) and I want this pain to stop. And I want this lonliness to stop. And I want your idiocy to stop. Yeah, that would be really nice.
You know what else would be awesome? If people would stop telling me that I'm dying. I know I am, I don't need to be reminded every five minutes. I know I'm not getting better. I know I keep getting worse. I know I'm BSing everyone I love about that. I know that the IV chemo we've been doing is a bust, and that the chances of the IVIG working are slim to none. But.. for some reason, I can't resign myself to what the doctors are saying. So, we'll try the IVIG. And we'll pray that I happen to be slim.
So.. wish me luck. Wish me lots of luck.
I'm in the hospital again. v___v Seizures and shakes and stutters and it's officially taken me about 9 minutes to write what I have so far. My gosh, this sucks. I want to go home, and I don't want to sound like a retard anymore (because no matter what Sunpotato says, I sound like a freakin retard. But it's okay. It's okay as long as it isn't permanent) and I want this pain to stop. And I want this lonliness to stop. And I want your idiocy to stop. Yeah, that would be really nice.
You know what else would be awesome? If people would stop telling me that I'm dying. I know I am, I don't need to be reminded every five minutes. I know I'm not getting better. I know I keep getting worse. I know I'm BSing everyone I love about that. I know that the IV chemo we've been doing is a bust, and that the chances of the IVIG working are slim to none. But.. for some reason, I can't resign myself to what the doctors are saying. So, we'll try the IVIG. And we'll pray that I happen to be slim.
So.. wish me luck. Wish me lots of luck.
14 January 2011
*untitled*
So once again, here I am. I don't know how long it's gonna take me to come to grips with the fact that I hate my life. And generally, I strongly dislike statements like that because they tend to be melodramatic.. but in this case, I really do.
I'm so freaking sick of the fighting, the lying, the screaming, the scheming. I'm sick of feeling hated and being alone. I'm just sick of all this pain, physical and otherwise.
And I'm tired. Oh, so tired. Of everything. Of everyone. Of the excuses people engineer to not be a decent human being. Of the sneers that are their common countenance. Of the heavy, oppressive air in this place. I'm tired.
And I'm done. So very done.
I'm so freaking sick of the fighting, the lying, the screaming, the scheming. I'm sick of feeling hated and being alone. I'm just sick of all this pain, physical and otherwise.
And I'm tired. Oh, so tired. Of everything. Of everyone. Of the excuses people engineer to not be a decent human being. Of the sneers that are their common countenance. Of the heavy, oppressive air in this place. I'm tired.
And I'm done. So very done.
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